SUPPORTING CHILDREN’S EMOTION

Young children’s experience of feelings such as frustration, joy, excitement and sadness can be intense and sometimes overwhelming. At Schoolhouse Daycare we aim to create a safe and supportive environment for children to learn to express and manage these “big feelings”. Here we share some practical suggestions for parents and carers.

Understanding the developing brain

Young children’s brains are still developing and, whereas a ‘tantrum’ may once have been interpreted as ‘bad behaviour’, we now know that it is a normal response from someone who is still learning how to regulate their emotions. Supporting rather than suppressing “big feelings” builds a child’s confidence and grows trust with their adults. At Schoolhouse Daycare we understand that each child has their own experience of emotions and expresses themselves differently and we take time to build the relationship between keyperson and child.

Name the emotions

Giving children the language to express their emotions is an effective way to help them understand what is happening to them. For example, calmly describing what you observe in the moment might sound like:

“You look disappointed that it is time to go back indoors”.

Some parents find it helpful to use a feeling chart or emotion cards such as these: https://www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/t-t-3588-my-emotions-faces-discussion-cards.

You could use these cards to:

  • help a child point to the emotion they are feeling when they can’t articulate it
  • play a game like ‘feelings charades’ or a memory matching game to normalise talking about emotions
  • accompany a storybook to check or clarify how a character might be feeling
  • have a daily check-in in the morning, or before bed, to identify their emotions or any challenges they had that day.

Listen and validate

At the same time as describing their feelings, we can validate children’s emotions and show them we are paying attention. Try phrases like:

“I can see you are really anxious”.

This shows children we accept their feelings (even when their behaviour may not be acceptable). Avoid using phrases like “You’re fine” or “Don’t cry” which dismisses their feelings. Reinforce your child’s efforts to express their emotions through praise:

“You told me you were disappointed – that’s great”.

Lead by example

One of the best ways to teach our children is to model the behaviour ourselves. For example, we can articulate our own feelings and actions with phrases like:

“I’m feeling stressed so I’m going to take a deep breath and slowly release it”.

It is particularly challenging to stay calm when our children are upset and even more so if a meltdown happens in a public place. If we can stay calm and responsible in the moment we can guide our children through their emotional explosion more effectively. Later, when your child is feeling safe, you could try talking through how they felt and what they could do if they found themselves in a similar situation again.

Provide safe ways to express big feelings

Here at Schoolhouse Daycare we believe in using creative play and stories as tools to express strong emotions and build resilience. Activities such as role play and small-world play allow children to act out their experiences and work through their feelings in a natural and safe way.

At home, parents can provide pencils or crayons to encourage drawing or colouring feelings – read a book like The Colour Monster by Anna Llenas for inspiration then enjoy the colouring-in version. Find more book suggestions here.

Some parents create a calm corner at home, with pillows and soft toys, where their child knows they can go to be comfortable and safe. Every child is different; some children will benefit from a physical release like squeezing a soft toy or simply running.

Stay patient and set clear boundaries

Supporting your child to manage big feelings is a long-term process and adults will need to be patient and consistent. Try comments that will help guide their behaviour as well as acknowledge their emotions:

“It’s okay to feel angry but it’s not okay to bite”.

Offer alternative actions and demonstrate:

“When you feel angry, it’s not okay to hit but you could…:

  • Give yourself a big, tight hug.
  • Stomp your feet to get the energy out
  • Clench and then unclench your hands.

In a nutshell

Big feelings are a normal part of children’s early emotional development. Parents and carers don’t need to ‘fix the problem’, instead we can help them feel safe and understood. By doing so, we are creating a healthier environment for them to learn to express and manage their emotions.

Find out more here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/tiny-happy-people/articles/zts4fdm.